This little piggie

We remember it well, 1992, or at least the part where we did something we'd never done before and haven't done since: we walked out of a movie.

Appearing at the box office ghostly white and trembling, we merely stuck out our hand. The guy knew what to do. He refunded our ducats with a concerned look on his face. "That bad, huh?" was all he said.

Yeah, like that.

It was "Bad Lieutenant" with a naked Harvey Keitel (did we even get that far?). Actually, we bailed when the two girls were being sexually assaulted in their car, after the nun was raped on a church altar -- with a crucifix. NC-17 didn't begin to cover it.

And while we're all for envelope-pushing experimental gritty edgy and sometimes even mind-blowingly violent movies, this was way over the line. Let's just say it triggered the gag reflex, followed closely by the get up and run away reaction.

So it's with considerable dismay that we view the news of an amazing and revered filmmaker, Werner Herzog, agreeing to a remake of what was a sickening spectacle. Herzog, who's narrowly and inexplicably missed being Oscar nominated for work like "Grizzly Man," will resurrect a cop so bad that he makes Denzel's "Training Day" outlaw look like Barney Fife. (Washington won the Oscar for that King Kong-sized performance).

And playing the Keitel part? Oscar winner Nicolas Cage, who's slummed so many times we can't keep count but who also has real talent (evidence: "Leaving Las Vegas").

Living in Los Angeles, we're plenty used to rouge cops, and some quite good movies and TV shows about them. "The Shield," which was originally called "Rampart" to specifically name the guilty, is flat-out brilliant, as was "Training Day." And there are others we have not only the stomach for, but a genuine interest in.

But another trip to the "Bad Lieutenant" well? If it's an exact remake, why? We've seen it. If it's tweaked, again, why? We've seen that, too.

It's Earth-friendly and all to recycle, but this movie should be left in the "cult classic" landfill where it belongs.

Guess we're not the demo after all.

 

Mighty morphin power players

Oh sure, blame the marketing guy.

These Coppertoned specimens from "American Gladiators" (that would be Titan and Wolf) are strong-arming NBC's CMO John Miller, but they're just joshing around. This photo-op, held yesterday in New York, came shortly before the launch of season two of the competition reality show.

It's only today that everybody finds out how much the two-hour episode stunk up the ratings. One might say: how the mighty have fallen. Marketing's fault?

From a lofty perch of 12 million viewers (and near-instant renewal for a second season), "Gladiators" buckled like a 90-pound weakling with an anvil. Fewer than 5 million people watched (trounced by Brit Brit's second "How I Met Your Mother" guest spot), making that the lowest-rated show of the night on all four broadcast nets.

Since this is the cornerstone of NBC's summer leading up to the Olympics, execs there have to be a bit concerned right about now.

But to stir the pot (and people's emotions), the network has assembled competitors with climb-every-mountain character for this season's shows. There's the guy who lost his leg in a car crash, the former juvenile delinquent, the guy who was born deaf, a Columbine survivor, an Iraq war veteran who was severely injured in combat, a cop who worked at Ground Zero after 9/11.

That's called stacking the deck, in true manipulative reality show style. Wiping a tear and cheering for the underdog works for a lot of shows in the genre ("Extreme Makeover" everyone?) but "Gladiators" strength might already be sapped. We'll let you break the news to Titan and Wolf.

Sexual healing

Anxiously awaiting spoilers!

Big dies! Big doesn't die! Big and Carrie finally tie the knot! Carrie gets left at the alter! Steve has an affair! Charlotte gets pregnant! Samantha perfects the heartless fine art of being a class-A maneater!

Please, in the immortal words of Sean Young, get on with it!

Loved the show, a multiple Emmy winner in categories ranging from costumes and casting (of course) to directing and performances. Felt a tremendous sense of letdown when it ended with a thud. Hate the movie title (really? is that the best they could do?) and getting completely saturated with SATC-related hype, most of which has to do with the head-spinning number of wardrobe changes in the upcoming feature.

Speaking of clothes, notice the vertical photo required to capture the entire SJP ensemble. Nice chapeaux!

All four babes (Kristin Davis, Cynthia Nixon, Kim Catrall and Parker) were on hand at last night's world premiere of "Sex and the City: The Movie" in London. We're just waiting for all the secrets to come out today.

But some things just can't be recreated -- we'll still be in line (wearing Vans and not Mahnolos) on May 30.

 

Such great Heights

Fear not, those of you who believe that Hollywood is the center of the entertainment universe, even if said entertainment takes place 3,000 miles away on a stage somewhere near 42nd Street and 8th Avenue.

"Xanadu," a spoof of the parody-ready disco-era movie musical of the same name, was nominated for a Tony this morning, as was "Cry-Baby," the John Waters creation that lives on and on (but without Johnny Depp). "South Pacific" and "Gypsy," both committed to celluloid over the years with Oscar- and Golden Globe-winning results, racked up some nominations for their live theater incarnations, as did some familiar faces from the big screen (Laurence Fishburne, Patrick Stewart).

How's that office lotto coming?

"In the Heights," a musical about Latinos in upper Manhattan (hey, that hood wasn't nearly so lyrical when we camped out there in grad school), took the most nods with 13. Look here for more behind-the-scenes, including who got skunked, at today's announcement in New York, and here for a full list of nominees.

The Tonys, backed by the American Theatre Wing, will air Sunday, June 15 on CBS. Whoopi's hosting!

 

Viva la diva

Three decades and a whole world of sex separate them. But when it comes to promoting a record, they both know the name of the game -- get on the road and shake that money maker.

This weekend, the princess of cross-over bubble gummy pop and the grand dame of dance- and radio-ready music took to two very different stages, Miley Cyrus at the tween-friendly shriek-heavy KIIS-FM-backed Wango Tango and Madonna at the U.K.'s Radio 1 Big Weekend.

Each showed off her respective assets, but if it hadn't been for a feat of wardrobe engineering, multiple Grammy-winning ripped superstar Madonna's could've come popping right out of her bustier. Hey, are those new?

Aside from the wild bed head and rocker stance, Miley continued to try to buff her wholesome girl-next-door image and regain the trust of suspicious soccer moms everywhere by covering up (no cleavage here!). There was nary a satin bed sheet to be found anywhere at the Irvine stadium.

Check here for more on the U.K. festival, billed as "Europe's biggest free ticketed event," and here for Jonas Brothers-fueled Wango Tango madness.

Thespian chic

Everybody in the pool!

As you spend this May Gray morning in Los Angeles charting potential Tony nominees for your completely disinterested cubicle mates, we want you to know we're here for you. Now turn down that "Cats" soundtrack and get back to work.

Nods for theater's top awards come out tomorrow, and maybe there's still hope for that office derby if you point out that it's been more than three whole months since there's been an Oscar-(down)sized awards show.

If that doesn't help, how about this: there are a number of Hollywood movie connections to this year's crop of potential honorees. Never mind that some started out in the theater in the first place, then bounced to movies and back again. Or vice versa. Or something like that.

We've already waxed on about "Xanadu," not to be confused with an award-winning film, but there's also "Grease," "South Pacific," "Gypsy," "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," and a $20 million musical version of "Young Frankenstein" (pictured) in the potential running for awards. Some theater-watcher predictions here.

Have to say, though, that we'd held out some hope that Nathan Lane would host next month's airing of the Great White Way awards, never tiring of the spit-take we're sure he'd work into that role somehow. It's always funny, right?

It'll be Whoopi Goldberg, herself a Tony winner. Apparently she's not soured on the whole awards show gig, even after being dissed by one of those tribute reels at this year's Oscars that "forgot" she hosted four times.

Check back tomorrow for the nominations and our rendition of "Puttin' on the Ritz."

 

Rock out

And here we thought jammies were something we sat around in all day while "working."

Turns out they're actually a mashup of jam bands and the Grammys, which makes some kind of musical stew in which the Grateful Dead is almost always an ingredient and, curiously, Joan Osborne and Doug E Fresh can slip in as condiments.

Highlights of this week's 7th Annual Jammy Awards in New York included a lifetime achievement honor for Phish, whose members got on stage together for the first time in years...but didn't play. (More) confusion among the assembled patchouli-doused clove smokers ensued.

Chevy Chase took to the piano and gave a glimpse into his secret life by doing renditions of "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman" and "Sweet Home Alabama" with Keller Williams (String Cheese Incident, Ratdog, and "one-man jam band"). Chase later accepted the Song of the Year award on Williams' behalf, saying, "I want to thank Clive Davis just because I feel like I should."

Trivia: Chase played in a band in college with Donald Fagen and Walter Becker, who went on to decades-long Steely Dan fame (L.A. show this summer!).

Blow-by-blow from the Jammy nosebleed seats here.

Gone in 60 seconds

"Hee-Haw" goes to the Orpheum?

Not exactly, but just realizing that this stereotypical-looking bunch called the Hillbilly Tenors was part of the entertainment at last night's 9th Annual Golden Trailer Awards makes us want to rattle the AMPAS cage once again. Watch and learn -- other groups put on awards shows that people don't dread. Why can't you?

This award show has been dubbed the "Oscars for the short-attention-span crowd." Or maybe it's for those who realize the trailers are sometimes way better than the movies. Judges this year included cult hero Joss Whedon, skater dude and bazillionaire entrepreneur Tony Hawk, a still-hunting-for-Osama Morgan Spurlock and some folks with enough time on their hands to join the committee online.

As for the honorees themselves, "The Dark Knight" (best action) and "Tropic Thunder" (best comedy) were among the few films to win before ever having been released. That could bode well, or not. Having a spiffy trailer didn't do much for "Vantage Point" (best thriller).

"Atonement" won for best romance and Oscar hoarder "No Country for Old Men" for best drama, but the real horse race was for "trashiest trailer" and we're reeling that "Zombie Strippers" didn't win. Oh, come on! Other winners included the conversation starter (love it or hate it?) campaign for Universal's "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" that put up wild postings of the "My mom always hated you" variety. In retrospect, those probably boosted a fairly middle-of-the-road movie to a higher boxoffice than it would've had with Jason Segel bawling his eyes out-style one-sheets.

See more winners here.

 

Forever Harvey

Death to indie!

Perhaps an exaggeration, but we think it's indicative of a troubling trend that Warner Bros. chief Alan Horn made the surprise announcement this morning that he's shutting down both Picturehouse and Warner Independent Pictures.

As if there was any doubt, now we know for sure -- it's all about the tentpoles, remakes, prequels, threequels and franchises. Heart and soul optional.

Picturehouse, headed by Bob Berney, the guy with the eagle eye for small gems that he then turns into Liz Taylor-sized rocks, is the bigger loss, certainly as far as awards-worthy movies go. The division of New Line (which has been gobbled up by its parent WB, setting off this whole chain of events) gave us "Pan's Labyrinth (three Oscars) and "La Vie En Rose" (best actress Oscar for Marion Cotillard), though WIP released Oscar-winning doc "March of the Penguins" and prestige product "Good Night, and Good Luck," Oscar nominated in six categories. Its coffers have been bare lately, though last year's little-seen "In the Valley of Elah" snagged an Oscar nod for Tommy Lee Jones.

The argument for starting and maintaining these sometimes unprofitable indie wings is that they're the studios' way to win ego-buffing prizes. Looks like that's not a viable business plan, according to Warner Bros.

Two groups we're cursing right now: shareholders and tween movie-goers. We're not ready to resign ourselves to a future filled with nothing but gross-out comedies and "actioners," but we might have to seriously start mulling the prospect.

Well, there's always the Weinsteins.

 

Daytrippers

If you didn't know the following -- CBS is the HBO of daytime TV, "Divorce Court" was shut out, and Anthony "Luke and Laura" Geary is gunning for his sixth Emmy -- and you're into such things, THR.com can help.

On the site today there's a thorough autopsy of the recently announced Daytime Emmy nominations, including word that punchline actress Susan Lucci isn't the only Susan Lucci (see: Jeanne Cooper of "The Young and the Restless.")

Go for the soap talk, stay for the fun facts!

The topline: Voters shunned some audience favorites and perennial contenders ("Live With Regis and Kelly"), failed to reward new game show host Drew Carey (partial to Bob Barker? Aren't we all?), and dug deeper into cable than ever before, showing that they can be more "inclusive," according to some "expert." (Yeah, that's us, trying to sound knowledgeable).

And this is us being synergistic (or is it just self-involved?).

Trivia question: why aren't the two most famous doyennes of daytime among the nominees this year?

Answer: Oprah and Martha have taken themselves out of the running, because it seems like shooting fish in a barrel (Oprah) and it sucks to lose (Martha, after being the reigning champ, went through an embarrassing dry spell before bowing out).

The awards will air June 20 on ABC.

See more Daytime Emmy musings here, here and here.

Ben, Nina, Sean and Sebastian

A few odds (and some ends) today:

There were eight roses left. Who would get one, and who would leave broken hearted?

Not "The Bachelor," but the Rose D'Or Festival in Switzerland, and the tears of joy rose recipient? Ben Silverman!

Actually, the NBC Entertainment co-chief (pictured) took home an Honorary Rose, which we're not sure carries as much meaning, but festival director Urban Frye put the best face on it, saying Silverman has "transformed the television business model and is continually expanding the horizons of this ever-growing medium."

Read Vulture's version of Ben's acceptance speech here.

Will one of our favorite reality show Emmy contenders be the same when it moves to the network formerly known as the Estrogen Channel that's trying real hard to shed the Women in Peril brand? And how much will it change without its lead Magical Elves producers? Whiter Nina and Michael? These are the kinds of questions we're pondering on a June-gloom-in-early-May day.

When last we saw Sean Young, she was saying what everybody had been thinking all awards season long. Now, answering the question, "What's she doing after rehab?" she'll be appearing on a singing reality show on CMT. That her competition is Sebastian Bach, Jermaine Jackson and Lorenzo Lamas makes it all the more special.

Webbys give parody good name

Sabotaging Wikipedia, supporting Obama, Sweding and social satire dominated the Webby Awards, announced today.

Stephen Colbert, he of the Google-bomb, was named Person of the Year by the International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences, which is kind of a step down from "Greatest Living American," but what isn't? He's being honored for his, um, liberal use of the Web to rally his fans to do his bidding, from pushing his short-lived presidential bid to having their video way with his Star Wars Green Screen Challenge. (And raising a boatload of money for charity).

Other winners include will.i.am for the Barack anthem, "Yes We Can," filmmaker Michel Gondry for his worldwide Sweding referendum, and The Onion, which came in just a hair under the New York Times in total trophy count. Take that, Gray Lady.

See the official list of approximately 3,627 nominees and winners here, and get ready for the June ceremony, in which winners' acceptance speeches must be limited, haiku-like, to five words. If only that would set a trend.

Sit. Stay. Enter. Win.

Cue headlines about awards shows going to the dogs.

Such an obvious pun, but so apropos this morning with Nick at Nite's announcement of a new awards show (which would usually get a rousing "hells no" from us, but we're willing to make an exception here). In fact, we haven't been this excited since the Puppy Bowl or the last time we sat transfixed in front of snoozing Chihuahuas.

Nick at Nite and the producers of "The First Annual Worldwide Fido Awards" ferreted out a gem of information -- that dog videos are the second-most watched on the Interwebs. (Care to guess what's first?) So they'll take online submissions and votes from anybody in categories like "cutest dog," "best dressed," "most outrageous" and "dog/owner look-alike."

The millions of videocams already capturing every adorable slobber and fascinating "trick" from the family pooch will increase exponentially. And here's what the critters can win: cash, fame, probably an extra Snausage or two, along with the incomprehensible joy of being nominated. Just like the Oscars!

Online switches to TV with a two-night mutt extravaganza, a la Westminster, in late July, with celebs and their furry BFFs as hosts and commentators.

Since there's no better entertainment than dogs in clothes, we're there. Actually, they had us at the logo.

Double take

Anthony Kiedis does his best Christian Siriano impression. Pretty convincing, right? Just add mousse for the designer's gravity-defying fierce 'do. Otherwise, it's all there.

The lead singer from the seven-time Grammy-winning Red Hot Chili Peppers was among a sports-loving celebrity-heavy crowd at the L.A. Lakers game on Saturday night. On the floor, as always, was Jack Nicholson, and elsewhere at Staples Center was Oscar winner Denzel Washington, Tobey Maguire, Kevin Connolly and "Iron Man" star Robert Downey Jr., who would've had a fan-freakin-tastic weekend even if the Lakers had lost (they didn't).

Hollywood's A-list went for the aggressive b-ball, but did they stay for the free tacos?

(Another) Iron Man cometh

No such thing as superhero fatigue!

Well isn't that exactly what you'd expect to hear from Marvel executives at the premiere party of "Iron Man" a few days ago? And we did. Paul Gitter, Marvel's president of consumer products, chatted over cocktails about his high hopes for the movie and all the swag spawned by it (toys, lunch boxes, bed sheets and other assorted ephemera, which, as he learned with "The Hulk" circa 2003, can move even if the film disappoints).

And then came the north-of-$100 million "Iron Man" opening weekend.

Now, Marvel gives us a future filled with "Thor," "Captain America," and, of course, "Iron Man 2," with a likely re-team of Jon Favreau and Oscar nominee Robert Downey Jr., according to the company's giddy announcement this morning.

That does leave 2009 without a Marvel Studios tentpole, but that's what TV, DVD, comics, the Interwebs and the aforementioned licensed gear is for -- to stoke interest in the franchises even in a non-feature year.

What we've learned so far: there was a lot of pent-up demand for an action-packed event movie, Favreau's casting choices should never be questioned again, and starting in 2010, summer will begin on April 30.

Song sung blue

So after suffering through halting renditions of his iconic songs from the final five on "American Idol" the other night (well, three of them didn't completely suck), Neil Diamond had the dubious pleasure of presiding over a sing-a-long with Al Roker and various microphone-equipped fans on the "Today Show."

The Grammy-winning singer-songwriter has an album and tour to promote, so he continued to be gracious, belting out "America" and "I'm a Believer" this morning, sounding like his timeless self and seemingly having a good time. But with Roker, Vieira et. al. joining in, adding some "dance moves" for added impact, it must've started to feel like a very long week.

Doesn't do much to scour the brain of the limp versions of his power pop ballads by Brooke "Cry Me a River" White and Jason "The Lost Olsen Triplet" Castro on "Idol." Too bad they both couldn't have been kicked off.

But if there's one thing we know about Diamond, it's this -- the guy's got stamina. Decades in the business and still going strong. Local stop: Hollywood Bowl in the fall. Definitely a hot ticket.

Look at me!

There are so many pleas for attention and/or cries for help emanating from Bai Ling these days that it's tough to keep up with them.

The latest: this Bob Mackie-esque spider-woman-meets-goth-flapper outfit that she rocked at the "What Happens in Vegas" premiere last night in Westwood.

Not that she's ever been confused with a girl who has good taste in clothes.

This time, she's accessorized with two Band-Aids on her spindly little shins with the words, "The Hit Song," and "China Girl," that look like they were written in Sharpie. A promo for her singing sideline or for someone else's project, as in, "this space available for your ad?" It's a mystery.

Does get people talking, just like her arrest not long ago for five-finger-discounting a couple of celeb rags (that she'd later be featured in) and some batteries from a store at LAX. In fact, her off-screen doings have attracted much more attention than her roles in such award-winning TV fare as "Lost" and "Entourage."

As far as surreal eye candy goes, we're still partial to the wild dance-a-thon with a midget. Get ready to be wowed.

Tongue lashing

First, the show was in hot water for not letting the gay couple kiss.

Then, it kicked up more controversy when they did. (Self-appointed "decency" cop Donald Wildmon got involved, and so did Perez Hilton, so you know it's been a bitchy catfight).

Now, one half of that gay couple from "As the World Turns" has been nominated for an Emmy. Van Hansis, who plays Luke Snyder, is in the running for outstanding younger actor in a daytime drama. (He's pictured here on the left with Jake Silberman, who plays his on-screen love interest). Not to be outdone by better known celeb couples, he and boyfriend Noah sport a one-name moniker, Nuke, which really doesn't have the same ring as TomKat but shows how much the fans care.

Though there's a history of gays on soaps, those characters rarely, if ever, get any action. That's a combo of plain old prudishness and fear (mostly of advertiser retreat). In this case, Nuke kissed once before, back in the fall, and then went through a massive dry spell until about a week ago. Meanwhile, hetero characters were doing the nasty all the damn time, as they're wont to do on the daytime stories.

A key player in this situation? Ad behemoth Procter & Gamble, whose P&G Productions created this soap,  owns it and continues to produce it everyday. Because of the hubbub, the marketer has set up toll-free lines so consumers can call and give a thumbs up or down to the gays and the kissing.

No word on the next lip lock.

Hunter/prey

In no way, shape or form do we condone celebrity stalking.

We'd prefer to think of our habit of seeking out and then gawking at movie stars at premiere parties as good clean fun. Nobody gets hurt unless somebody gets touched.

Of course there are those times when conversation is possible, and we'll dive in for that kill when it seems appropriate (their mouths aren't full of mini-sliders) or if we have a halfway interesting question or observation (always debatable).

Last night at the "Iron Man" afterparty, all we could do was stare at Robert Downey Jr., though muscle and the crowd would've prohibited any contact even if we'd had the cojones to approach him. Meanwhile, an acquaintance swooped in for a quick photo with the gracious star. His advice on the matter: "Be subtle."

We tossed that right out the window and opted for the direct approach seconds later when we saw our favorite inventor of the rom-zom-com strolling past.

"Hey, you're Simon Pegg!"

Unable to deny it, he went on to chat with us for several minutes, giving up no scoop on the upcoming "Star Trek" movie (he's Scotty) but amiably catching us up on his doings. We could've found all that out by going to his Web site, but it was much cozier this way. And he didn't seem scared at all when we told him we saw "Run Fatboy Run." Just a little incredulous.

By the by, "Iron Man?" Mighty solid way to start the summer. See it. Immediately.

 

Yo hipsters

Buried within the reams of Daytime Emmy nods today (go Giada!) is a gem of a show that if you haven't seen yet, well, you're just not one of the cool kids. (Still time to catch up and act like you were hip to it all along).

"Yo Gabba Gabba," for those without preschoolers or unfailing radar for indie music darlings appearing anywhere on the dial, is a Nick Jr. series that's snagged the likes of the Shins, Tahiti 80, Supernova, the Aggrolites and I'm From Barcelona to be part of its bright, primary colored scenarios.

Mark Mothersbaugh dropped by to teach the little ones how to draw in a segment dubbed Mark's Magic Pictures, and Biz Markie regularly gave his Beat of the Day in the first season of the show, which launched last fall. Elijah Wood did a jig in "dancey dance time," and everybody sang, "There's a Party in My Tummy."

Intrigued yet?

The magazine-style live-action show, the brainchild of a couple L.A. musician friends, will be vying for outstanding achievement in costume design/styling against the likes of "Sesame Street" and "Barney and Friends." Not too shabby for a brand-new show.

Scott Schultz, co-creator with Christian Jacobs, he of the kitsch cool band the Aquabats, said the show stems not from a triple Ph.D in child psychology but a desire to be a kid again.

"We wanted to make a show for our own kids that we could have fun watching, too," Schultz said shortly after learning of the Emmy nod. "We weren't counting on adult interest."

Adult (and teen) interest came, though, as evidenced by an outpouring of fan videos on the YouTubes and repeated tips of the hat on "The Soup."

Now you're all up to speed. Season 2 coming in fall, get your fix here meantime and remember, TiVo, friends, TiVo.