You say goodbye, we say hello

There's nothing more inhospitable than a door slamming in your face, says our genteel Southern mom, a charter member of the steel magnolias club (the real deal, not a character in the smarmy tear-jerker).

Imagine our dismay, then, when we scanned the blogosphere to see what all our compatriots were blathering about today, only to find that a number of them are signing off, post-Oscar. We'll refrain from saying they need an etiquette lesson -- when it's over, it's over, right? It just seems so...abrupt. Couldn't you have let us down a little easier?

We need a hug.

But we'll collect ourselves long enough to let you know we have some good news to share -- at least we hope you'll see it that way. We're still here. Woo hoo! The corporate gods say we're a year-round awards blog, and so, by all that is overblown industry self-congratulating, we are. Keep coming back, as much as your "free" time during the work day and your gag reflect will allow.

Our pal, Scott Feinberg, will keep the lights on, too, at AndTheWinnerIs, and being an industrious guy, he's already given an "ill-advised" look ahead at potential '08 awards bait so you'll know your Benjamin Buttons from your John Patrick Shanleys.

We're sorry to see our favorites go on hiatus -- Carpetbagger, we'll miss you most of all -- but we'll try to carry the torch in a way that makes them all sorry they can't take potshots at us on a daily basis. It's the least we can do.

Puppy love rekindled

We've just been schooled. On Donny Osmond, of all subjects.

Jerry Lewis had France, the Hoff has Germany, (we have Sweden?), and Osmond apparently has a lock on the U.K., where, a reader named Mary informs us, there's been no U.S.-style decades-long gap in his popularity:

"I am in th U.K. where Donny has always been seen as a star and where we think ourselves lucky when he comes here to perform. His CD's chart on the day they are released, his CD 'From Donny With Love' is at present number 4 in the British charts. Donny's and his brothers concerts were sold out within hours and new dates need adding and they have sold out Wembly Stadium for both nights."

"So if you don't want him, I know a country that will welcome him with open arms."

The audience did just that at an Osmond reunion concert taped last summer in Vegas (pictured) that's airing this month on PBS.

We maligned the singer/actor/music vid star/gossip show personality/Mormon poster boy yesterday for his omnipresence these days.

Maybe we were a little hasty, harsh and hateful? Hey, we may've just stumbled onto a new mantra. Look for that to be added to the masthead soon.

And no, we're not taking back our mini-tirade about The Toothy One.

Raise the Titanic

Nobody saw the movies. Really, nobody.

A full 75% of those who watched the Oscars on Sunday night had not seen any of the nominated movies.

Twenty-three point seven percent of the viewers had seen one of the five best picture nominees -- of those, 15.3% had seen "Juno" and the numbers drop off a cliff beyond that, with the smallest audience, 3.8% having seen "There Will Be Blood."

So says a study by Bay-area research firm Integrated Media Measurement Inc., which would seem to suggest a certain inherent allure to the Academy Awards telecast that's sure to warm Sid Ganis' heart. But perhaps more important to the studios and their flop-sweating investors: it could mean a solid upside for DVD, pay-per-view and such for this crop of boxoffice losers ("Juno" excepted).

Pete Sealey, a marketing guru (both Hollywood and consumer brands) and IMMI board member, said he deserted his balcony seat at the Oscars after about an hour because he was bored out of his skull. And sure he has a snazzy idea or two about how to juice up the works, but that'll cost you, Sid.

He thinks women are the key to blockbuster (or basement) Oscar ratings and this year's lineup didn't just not attract them -- it repelled them.

"That's why the show with 'Titanic' had the biggest ratings of all time. Love story! Record-breaking boxoffice! This bunch of movies was bloody and downbeat, not the kind you tune in to root for. That drove women away."

Bring back the chicks and lure the young influentials -- tall order for a creaky old institution. Is Oscar up for the challenge? Discuss.

No more puppy love

This is a Donnie Osmond overload alert.

Not to say that we didn't go all weak in the knees over him oh, about, 32 years ago. We did. We'll cop to it.

And he's resurrected his career, so good on him, we guess. But he's becoming as ubiquitous as Ryan Seacrest, Jessica Alba and the Coen brothers. It was bad enough when sister Marie and her creepy doll obsession took up way too much space on "Dancing With the Stars." That apparently jump-started his path back into the Mormon-loving public's zeitgeist.

He's on "The Insider" and "ET," he's taking "Moment of Truth"-style televised lie detector tests (why?), he's on "The View," he's in the music video for "College Road Trip" (again, why?). Next: Osmond reunions! Vegas!

So that we will not be alone in our horror, we're sharing the music vid: Martin Lawrence, Raven-Symone, "Double Dutch Bus" and Donnie. It's Disneyfied! Enjoy?

No country for young men

It's the movies, stupid.

There's been much analysis and speculation about why the Oscar ratings were in the crapper this year with "reasons" ranging from the writers strike (not enough time to put together a quality show, not enough original programming to draw eyeballs to ABC to see Academy Awards promos) to too-dark indie nominees and nonhousehold names that most viewers weren't familiar with (more on that soon).

Especially hard hit were the ratings for the all-important whippersnapper demo (that would be the 18-34-year-olds that advertisers care about).

For a POV from one of the aforementioned young 'uns, check out 22-year-old Josh Richmond's musings on our brother blog, Past Deadline, who says that the ceremony could interest him and his friends if it actually dug in, burrowed around and told us something about the nominated movies.

Isn't that why we're all there to begin with?

Interviews with the people who made those films, behind-the-scenes nuggets, tall tales, whatever -- he's just suggesting that if the show detailed why "No Country for Old Men" and the others were so worthy of honor (in some concrete terms, please) that more viewers might get into that telecast.

We were about to suggest a comeback of streaking, but what do we know?

Mea culpa

Extended -- by Gil Cates -- and accepted -- by Whoopi.

We know all meaningful work had halted, no one could concentrate on the debates or on unraveling John McCain's "close relationship" with a blonde lobbyist, or consider the $40 million that's reportedly being dangled in front of Leno so he has a post-"Tonight Show" place to rest his chin.

You may get back to life as you knew it. Cates called Whoopi, the four-time Oscar host, and apologized for leaving her out of the 80-years-of-time-wasting-host-moments montage on Sunday night. She and her cohorts on "The View" called foul on the exclusion on Monday morning's show. (Steve Martin didn't make the reel either, but if he's sore about it, he's keeping it to himself).

Says Goldberg today to E! Online:

"Gil called yesterday and said, 'I would have called you Monday but I hadn't slept.' He said, 'Listen, I missed it. I didn't realize it wasn't in there.' "

Because Whoopi, as the first woman and first African-American to ever host the Oscars, is so easy to miss.

Think it's time to let Cates & Co. off the hook for this and other gaffes during this year's ratings-deprived telecast? It might be, but we're not there yet. Check back for more vivisection.

Bless the beasts

Silky soft puppies, sweet-faced kittens and fuzzy polar bear cubs -- now that's our idea of a good group of featured performers at an awards show. So much more relatable than Price Waterhouse and more articulate than Cameron Diaz.

So, color us interested in the upcoming Genesis Awards to be handed out next month (more trophy-show business for the Beverly Hilton!) by the Humane Society of the U.S.

But as THR's Gregg Kilday reports the nominations today, it's apparent that the awards for entertainment that gives props to animal welfare issues won't be all cute and cuddly.

Sure, there's "Year of the Dog," a Mike White indie charmer about a mousy assistant (Molly Shannon) who finds her voice as a vegan animal activist/serial dog rescuer, and "Arctic Tale," which spliced together a lot of nature footage of polar bears and seals, taking care not to show the inherent carnage in that relationship, all to a soothing yet hip-hoppy Queen Latifah voiceover.

But there are also nods to news segments, documentaries and magazine shows about dog fighting, pig farm abuse (we do not want to know), dolphin slaughter, puppy mills and deplorable conditions at the Baghdad Zoo.

Go with God, people, and continue this worthy work, but those are clip reels even more excruciating than anything we sat through on Sunday night. We're out.

Schnabel's services: priceless?

Somewhere in the crush and confusion that was Oscar Day, we missed the new MasterCard commercial that launched during the ABC telecast.

Why would any of us care about that?

Because in its quest to one-up itself, and on the 10th anniversary of its "Priceless" campaign, MasterCard and its ad agency have come up with an Academy Awards-reminiscent, "envelope, please"-themed game with "priceless" prizes.

One of those: a commissioned portrait by Oscar-nominated director Julian Schnabel.

Far be it from us to judge (oh, who are we kidding, we do that for a living) but we had to point out this co-mingling of the PJ-clad indie king/artist auteur with a corporate marketer contest. Head scratcher, no?

The Schnabel prize, dubbed "The Masterpiece," has this intro:

"Very few people have experienced the thrill of being a famous artist's muse, let alone one who is able to pack such raw emotion into every canvas he touches."

If you check out the site, you can watch a video for each of the prizes, which includes a trip to the Seven Wonders of the World. Alert: there are a few Not-Safe-For-Anybody indecencies in the Schnabel video. First, he's shirtless. Shirtless! And second, he's compared to Titian, Caravaggio and Goya. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Fatigue sets in

Still haven't had enough of Miley Cyrus or awards shows? Masochists.

Country Music TV announced today that the teen-pop-singer-actress-seat-belt-eschewing Miley and her father, "Achy Breaky Heart" and "Doc" purveyor Billy Ray, will host the CMT Music Awards in April.

They'll host. And sing a duet. And maybe Billy Ray will bust out some of his "Dancing With the Stars" "moves." And if that's not enough, both have new projects to plug -- she, an upcoming feature film that could easily veer into "Bratz: The Movie" territory, and he, a new record. Head hurting already.

Over at Current TV (no, we're not sure if we even have this channel -- but Al Gore hopes we do) they're launching an awards show today. As in, Year One. Apparently they haven't heard about the Oscar ratings.

The one-hour show centers around a tribute to Run D.M.C's Jam Master Jay and will feature a performance by the always (intentionally or not) entertaining Snoop Dogg. Sounds a lot better than that Academy voting tutorial by Sid Ganis last night. But then again, what doesn't?

Oscar snubs, part 2

This one can't be laid at the feet of the Oscar producers. Imagine that.

Rather, it was Academy voters who continued a losing streak that's now longer than Susan Lucci's. Sound mixer Kevin O'Connell had been favored, and not just because he's a much-nominated veteran, to win for his work on "Transformers."

But it didn't happen. For the 20th time. But, according to our brother blog, Past Deadline, O'Connell left the Kodak Theatre with his head up and went home to his young son for a boo boo-mending embrace.

"When that hug was over, I forgot I'd ever even been nominated."

All together now -- aaaaawwww.

Perspective, perspective, perspective.