Zoinks

Seriously, the Shaggy defense?

The child pornography trial of Grammy-winning Trapped in a Courtroom Raunch & Blues singer R. Kelly opened today, with his attorney repeatedly saying that the man having sex with a 13-year-old girl in the videotape played shortly after opening statements was not his client.

The prosecutor calls the tape "child pornography that was created, staged, produced and starred in by the defendant that sits before you, Robert Kelly." And there's the matter of that disturbing "Daddy" utterance.

Kelly's lawyer: It wasn't him.

This could either be over quickly, or could take a very, very long time. At any rate, we'll try to keep you posted on any and all reggaeton, ska and dancehall references. You know, for your edification.

 

All that glitters

Just a couple of Oscar winners standing around shooting the breeze at Cannes.

Actually, Clint is a four-time Oscar winner who's brought his next trophy hopeful "The Changeling" to the famous French film festival looking for early buzz (and a potential jump on awards campaigning, perhaps). And maybe a Palme d'Or? It would be the first time. He's been at Cannes with four films and left empty handed every time. (Not even "Mystic River" broke through on the Croisette).

"The Changeling's" star, a doubly pregnant Angelina Jolie, has one Oscar to her credit ("Girl, Interrupted").

The Oscar/Cannes connection extends back many years, even though today's fest features a bunch of loud, crowd pleasers like "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" and "Kung-Fu Panda." (There's no saying they can't get nominated in technical and animation categories).

Last year's lineup sported entries that later made waves at the Oscars, including "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly," "Persepolis," and eventual Golden Guy hoarder "No Country for Old Men."

Check out Pete Hammond's historical look at how Cannes premieres fare at Oscar time and, which Oscar magnets are making appearances at this year's bash-by-the-sea.

 

Vertigo alert

Such a killer trip to Krustyland (and, as you'll learn when you go to The Simpsons Ride, there's a pivotal Sideshow Bob joke in that statement that juices the action).

So, we braved the skin-singeing heat this past weekend for the launch of the first Simpsons-themed motion simulator ride at Universal Studios Hollywood. We were in good company -- Matt Groening (pictured)! Sideshow Bob himself, six-time Emmy winner Kelsey Grammer! Mayor V!

And there was Larry Birkhead, who'd drag that poor baby to the opening of an envelope if there were photographers on hand. The paps were poised on the Simpsons "yellow" carpet, and so there, too, was Birkhead. Not sure little Dannielynn understood much of what was going on. She's not exactly "The Simpsons" demo yet, and she sure didn't look 40" tall (required so the littlest ones don't go flying off the attraction).

During the pre-party, some guy got shot out of a cannon. No, it wasn't Grammer, or Birkhead, but it sure was loud. (Paramedics standing by!)

The ride itself: the run-up gives fans a cornucopia of "Simpsons" clips and characters. Makes the wait go by a lot faster. (Never get tired of Apu). The ride, a la "Back to the Future," runs you head-first through the rickety Krustyland theme park and other Springfield scenarios, chased by the murderous Sideshow Bob. It's a thrill ride/roller coaster, (hang onto your stomach!) complete with giant nuclear Maggie, that's, at its heart, a bonding experience with the iconic cartoon family.

Score: highly recommended. Opens this weekend.

Meanwhile, Variety reports that there's no deal in place yet for the voice talent for "The Simpsons" historic 20th season. (You'll hear all those voices at the theme park ride, by the way. Must've been a separate deal).

Word to Fox: Don't be a Mr. Burns. Give them their half-mil an episode so we can all look forward to more of the brilliant subversiveness that's always a ray of light on network TV. Do it!

Sore winner

Turns out country music superstar and laid-back lifestyle maven Kenny Chesney would rather be judged by a jury of his peers.

The singer-songwriter and former Mr. Renee Zellweger took the top award at Sunday night's 43rd Annual Academy of Country Music Awards and then promptly smack-talked it, saying that this year's first-time online voting for entertainer of the year was a sham. He said it showed "complete disrespect" for the artists and made the awards into "a sweepstakes to see who can push people's buttons the hardest on the Internet."

He'd already won three consecutive times, but always on the votes of Academy of Country Music members. With last night's win, he's now tied with uber-star Garth Brooks in ACM trophies. No word yet on whether he's giving the tainted award back or if the academy will scotch that new interactive feature.

Aside from Chesney, lots of repeats in this bunch, including "American Idol's" Carrie Underwood and cutie crooner Brad Paisley racking up more wins. Something different and exciting: Lady Antebellum, a breakthrough trio, was named best new vocal group. That's today's record-buying tip.

(Getty Images photo)

Indiana Jones and the Cannes Crush

The verdict is in from the critical swarm at Cannes that got a peek at the first "Indiana Jones" movie in nearly two decades: They like it, they really like it!

Well some do, while others are pointing up such problems as relentless over-the-top CGI and lack of charm. Brother blogger Steven Zeitchik is particularly tough on old Indy.

Oh, the hair splitting.

Here's the short code from processing a number of reviews of Sunday's premiere at Cannes: a wow beginning, a slow middle and an explosive ending. And Oscar winner Cate Blanchett rocks the house as a Russian villainess with a fierce bob.

Good inclusions: Karen Allen, giant Peruvian ants. On the other hand: aliens. Aliens?

Summer needs this movie, especially since Warner Bros.' "Speed Racer" tanked and Disney/Walden Media's "Narnia" sequel had a good but not spectacular opening this weekend. Can Indy snag the crystal skull and save the season? Hollywood -- and not just Lucas, Spielberg, et al -- is counting on it.

(Getty Images photo)

Coupling

She made history as the first primetime star to come out on a sitcom, ABC's "These Friends of Mine," a dozen years ago.

So why shouldn't Ellen break more ground by announcing her marriage on TV today, shortly after the California Supreme Court shot down the state's ban on same-sex unions? Well, she just did. With Portia de Rossi looking on, the multiple Emmy-winner got teary describing the upcoming nuptials on her afternoon feel-good-fest. (The couple's pictured here at last year's Emmy Awards).

It's tough to believe all the controversy Ellen caused in '97 because we suspect there will be nary a peep (except from the Evangelical right) about today's development. That's what nearly five years of endearing herself daily to middle America -- complete with Hula Chair, light-as-a-feather subject matter and superstar guests -- can do.

And Justin Timberlake just offered to write an original song for the wedding. Can't everybody get excited about that?

Homerpalooza

Since it's Africa hot in Los Angeles -- brain-melting record heat wave continues! -- we can think of nothing better to do than head to the concrete confines of a nearby theme park where we'll be shoulder to shoulder with screaming kids and sweaty humanity. We told you it was brain-meltingly hot.

But there's no need to worry about us. There's good reason for the trek -- we'll be among the sun-stroked crowd at The Simpsons Ride launch at Universal Studios tomorrow. (Come back next week and we'll tell you all about it). Hooray, Krustyland!

Aside from our glee about this particular brand extension, (won't be able to sleep tonight!) we already had "The Simpsons" on the brain, what with some awards nominations the multiple Emmy-winning property has scored of late. It's in the running as one of the best entertainment brands of the year for its hit film, its 400th episode, its raft of cool swag and makeovers of 7-Elevens into Kwik-E-Marts last summer. (Now that's good Squishy, even though we had to stand in line for it).

The Licensing Industry Merchandisers Association will pick between "The Simpsons," "American Idol," "High School Musical 2," "Shrek the Third" and "Spider-Man 3" for the honor next month at New York's Licensing Show.

And today, "The Simpsons Movie" has picked up seven nominations, more than any other film, for the 37th annual Hollywood Reporter Movie Marketing Key Art Awards.

Judges pick the honorees based on trailers, posters, TV spots and such so, like the Golden Trailer Awards before it, there are boxoffice stinkers like "30 Days of Night" that make it into the pool. Hey, don't blame the one-sheet!

But in the case of "The Simpsons Movie," the product lived up to the hype, a rare feat in Hollywood these days. And no matter how many times we see Homer, Bart, et al lovingly portrayed on larger-than-life-sized standees and billboards, we still laugh. Every time.

This little piggie

We remember it well, 1992, or at least the part where we did something we'd never done before and haven't done since: we walked out of a movie.

Appearing at the box office ghostly white and trembling, we merely stuck out our hand. The guy knew what to do. He refunded our ducats with a concerned look on his face. "That bad, huh?" was all he said.

Yeah, like that.

It was "Bad Lieutenant" with a naked Harvey Keitel (did we even get that far?). Actually, we bailed when the two girls were being sexually assaulted in their car, after the nun was raped on a church altar -- with a crucifix. NC-17 didn't begin to cover it.

And while we're all for envelope-pushing experimental gritty edgy and sometimes even mind-blowingly violent movies, this was way over the line. Let's just say it triggered the gag reflex, followed closely by the get up and run away reaction.

So it's with considerable dismay that we view the news of an amazing and revered filmmaker, Werner Herzog, agreeing to a remake of what was a sickening spectacle. Herzog, who's narrowly and inexplicably missed being Oscar nominated for work like "Grizzly Man," will resurrect a cop so bad that he makes Denzel's "Training Day" outlaw look like Barney Fife. (Washington won the Oscar for that King Kong-sized performance).

And playing the Keitel part? Oscar winner Nicolas Cage, who's slummed so many times we can't keep count but who also has real talent (evidence: "Leaving Las Vegas").

Living in Los Angeles, we're plenty used to rouge cops, and some quite good movies and TV shows about them. "The Shield," which was originally called "Rampart" to specifically name the guilty, is flat-out brilliant, as was "Training Day." And there are others we have not only the stomach for, but a genuine interest in.

But another trip to the "Bad Lieutenant" well? If it's an exact remake, why? We've seen it. If it's tweaked, again, why? We've seen that, too.

It's Earth-friendly and all to recycle, but this movie should be left in the "cult classic" landfill where it belongs.

Guess we're not the demo after all.

 

Mighty morphin power players

Oh sure, blame the marketing guy.

These Coppertoned specimens from "American Gladiators" (that would be Titan and Wolf) are strong-arming NBC's CMO John Miller, but they're just joshing around. This photo-op, held yesterday in New York, came shortly before the launch of season two of the competition reality show.

It's only today that everybody finds out how much the two-hour episode stunk up the ratings. One might say: how the mighty have fallen. Marketing's fault?

From a lofty perch of 12 million viewers (and near-instant renewal for a second season), "Gladiators" buckled like a 90-pound weakling with an anvil. Fewer than 5 million people watched (trounced by Brit Brit's second "How I Met Your Mother" guest spot), making that the lowest-rated show of the night on all four broadcast nets.

Since this is the cornerstone of NBC's summer leading up to the Olympics, execs there have to be a bit concerned right about now.

But to stir the pot (and people's emotions), the network has assembled competitors with climb-every-mountain character for this season's shows. There's the guy who lost his leg in a car crash, the former juvenile delinquent, the guy who was born deaf, a Columbine survivor, an Iraq war veteran who was severely injured in combat, a cop who worked at Ground Zero after 9/11.

That's called stacking the deck, in true manipulative reality show style. Wiping a tear and cheering for the underdog works for a lot of shows in the genre ("Extreme Makeover" everyone?) but "Gladiators" strength might already be sapped. We'll let you break the news to Titan and Wolf.

Sexual healing

Anxiously awaiting spoilers!

Big dies! Big doesn't die! Big and Carrie finally tie the knot! Carrie gets left at the alter! Steve has an affair! Charlotte gets pregnant! Samantha perfects the heartless fine art of being a class-A maneater!

Please, in the immortal words of Sean Young, get on with it!

Loved the show, a multiple Emmy winner in categories ranging from costumes and casting (of course) to directing and performances. Felt a tremendous sense of letdown when it ended with a thud. Hate the movie title (really? is that the best they could do?) and getting completely saturated with SATC-related hype, most of which has to do with the head-spinning number of wardrobe changes in the upcoming feature.

Speaking of clothes, notice the vertical photo required to capture the entire SJP ensemble. Nice chapeaux!

All four babes (Kristin Davis, Cynthia Nixon, Kim Catrall and Parker) were on hand at last night's world premiere of "Sex and the City: The Movie" in London. We're just waiting for all the secrets to come out today.

But some things just can't be recreated -- we'll still be in line (wearing Vans and not Mahnolos) on May 30.