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May 19, 2009

Jimmy Kimmel mocks ABC's upfront: 'Every year we lie to you'

Jimmy Kimmel took the stage at ABC's upfront with jokes that so effectively undercut the whole puffed-up affair you wonder if he tells the network in advance what he's going to say.

"Everything you’ve heard today, everything you're going to hear this week," Kimmel says, "is bullshit." 

"There is no 'Ad Lab,' " he says, referring to ABC's new advertiser research initiative. "You really think we have a laboratory for ads? And all these shows we're so excited about, we're gonna cancel about 90% of them, maybe more. The show 'Shark Tank' has the word 'tank' right in the title."

"Every year we lie to you and every year you come back for more," he says. "Remember when we try to get you to buy bingo on TV? Nobody was going to watch bingo on TV. We lied to you and you passed those lies onto your clients. We knew nobody was going to watch bingo!" 

"Maybe some of these shows will work, the most important thing to remember is, who cares, it's not your money."  

"Next season on 'Grey's’ your product could actually kill Dr. Izzie," he say, "just depends how much you want to pay."

"If Melissa actually wins 'Dancing With the Stars'' tonight, tomorrow they’re going to do a special show telling her she didn’t win."

Then, turning his sights on ABC's rivals, Kimmel takes a shot at Fox.

"Next year Fox will have a '24' where Kiefer Sutherland will have a sidekick who will follow him everywhere he goes, he'll be played by his probation officer."

And, of course, at NBC, for putting Jay Leno at 10 p.m.

"ABC wanted to get Jay Leno," he says. "NBC said, 'No we will not allow him to go to ABC even if we have to destroy our own network to keep him.'"

Big laugh in the room....

"I’m Your Boston Affiliate, Get Me Out of Here." 


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