Jimmy Kimmel jokes from ABC's upfront (transcript)

By Andrew Wallenstein

ABC late-night host Jimmy Kimmel has made his riotously funny monologues at the network's upfront an annual tradition, and this year was no exception. NBC and Fox were naturally targeted, and The Hollywood Reporter got a shout-out, too. Without further ado, a transcript of Kimmel's jokes, with the best lines bolded 

Hi, everyone. As you can see, I'm for sale. Well, here we are again. You people never learn, do you? And we know you have money this year by the way, so don't try to act all poor.

I want to take a quick poll by applause. What did you think of the Fox upfront? Is it me or did Fox finally come out of the closet yesterday? They're very 'Glee'-ful. And what about NBC, what did you think of their upfront presentation? 

Wow. I read in The Times this morning that Jeff Zucker is building a 40-ton solid-cement containment dome that he hopes to lower down over the fall schedule. Poor NBC, they can't win. 

NBC, as you know, likes to keep its programming a secret for as long as possible, sometimes forever.

Unfortunately, a writer from The Hollywood Reporter, James Hibberd, snuck into their upfront rehearsal and released the whole NBC schedule the day before it was announced, which upset them because when you have bad news, you want to deliver it yourself. It's the right thing to do. 

But there are some very big things going on at NBC. They canceled 'Law & Order' and picked up 'Law & Order: Los Angeles.' You know, the last time NBC took a show that had been on for 20 years in New York and moved it to LA it wound up as the lead-in to George Lopez on TBS. 

Fox made a weird announcement yesterday. The coveted post-Super Bowl slot next year is going to 'Glee.' Apparently they're trying to set a new Guinness World Record for most drunk 43-year-old guys saying, "What the fuck is this?" all at once. 

The post-Super Bowl slot worked very well this year for CBS. They launched the show 'Undercover Boss' after the Super Bowl and it became a big hit. I don't know how they can keep that show going though. Here's a hint for employees of chain restaurants. If your new bus boy comes and speaks English, he's probably the CEO of Fuddruckers. 

My favorite 'Undercover Boss'  episode was when the president of Hooters pretended he didn't know that Hooters waitresses get sexually harassed. if he doesn't win an Emmy for that, that is...

Tomorrow you will hear that Charlie Sheen has signed for another season of 'Two and a Half Men.' Charlie Sheen is a genius. He really is and I'll tell you why. You're on a family sitcom on CBS. You get arrested for threatening your wife with a knife on Christmas, which happens to be Jesus's birthday by the way. So how do you handle a public-relations nightmare like that? You call your agent and you demand 2 million dollars an episode or you're not coming back. And you get it. Tiger Woods must feel like a real dumbass right now.

But let's focus on ABC, that's why we're here, to shine a spotlight on ourselves, not to cast stones on others. I think Steve MacPherson said it best earlier when he said we're looking for shows to break the mold...and then introduced a new medical drama from Shonda Rhimes. I've been saying for years, 'Shonda, when are you going to give us a new medical drama?' And she has. 

We've got some exciting returning shows. One in particular is Five (V). I have not missed a single episode of Five since the lizard aliens landed on earth. Oh, its V? I was never good at Roman numerals. 

And yes, we're losing 'Lost.' But the good news is we're bringing back 'Eli Stone.' After six years on Sunday night, 'Lost' will come to an end, a planned end. That's how strong this network is. We have the No. 15 most popular show on television, and we're canceling it. That's confidence. And if 'Modern Family' keeps going and doing as well as it is, we'll cancel that too, you'll see. 

I love 'Lost' and I'm going to miss it. Watching 'Lost' is what I imagine it must be like to be trapped inside the brain of Paula Abdul. 

'Lost' is a testament to the power of broadcast television because it's a mainstream hit that also has a cult following. Or a cult hit with a mainstream following. Either way it's gone, so stop trying to buy time on it. 

The point is all these analysts say the networks are losing ground to cable. I disagree. I believe we're gaining ground on newspapers. Watch your back, Christian Science Monitor, we're coming after you.

If I could leave you with only one thought tonight, it's this: Network television is in flux. its been in flux for some time now. You might say we're completely fluxed. That said at ABC we want to give you a good hard fluxing for hours, from every conceivable position. Because that's what we're doing, constantly fluxing others. So let's flux this thing up good this year.

Before I go, I would like a very big round of applause, maybe even a standing ovation. I'll wait. Oh, thank you. No, don't get up.

Last year amidst a lot of bullshit, Steve introduced us to a show that is I think the funniest sitcom in a very long time. It's called 'Modern Family.' I love it, I watch every week  and I hope you love it, too.