25 reasons Hollywood really needed lawyers in 2009

By Eriq Gardner

Posting will be slower over the holidays. As a year-end gift, enjoy these semi-ridiculous reasons Hollywood really needed lawyers this year....

1. Trouble with scenery: One week after the makers of a pinball machine sue Paramount for its unauthorized use in "What Women Want," the copyright owners of Hitler's globe threaten to sue United Artists for showing it in "Valkyrie." In 2010, look for every film to be set in empty Iowa cornfields.
2. Too much exposure: A woman who agreed to talk to Fox News about her breast augmentation for a segment called "Plastic Surgery Nightmares" sues when the network airs nude before-and-after photos of her breasts. For one brief moment, Glenn Beck is less controversial.
3. Not funny: A pair of YouTube auteurs file a copyright infringement lawsuit against MGM, Sony, Fox, Steve Martin and others, claiming that the remake of "The Pink Panther" stole material from an eleven-and-a-half minute short. As proof, the plaintiffs point out that both films make fun of foreigners pronouncing the word "hamburger." The French decline comment.
4. One too many: Morgan Freeman allegedly has too many drinks, picks up a woman at a party and crashes his car on the way home. The woman sues Freeman saying she suffered broken bones, a torn labrum, and numerous bruises. Meanwhile, Freeman can't perform his slated role for "True Confession of Charlotte Doyle." The film's investors sue the film's director/producer Danny DeVito. Yes, the same guy who once appeared tipsy on "The View."
5. Trouble sharing: Sony sues Fox and others for violating its right to put up mammoth film ads on the side of a building near the 405 freeway. Sony calls the building wall a "one-of-a-kind space" in its complaint. Because we've never seen Sony movie ads on hundreds of other buildings.
6. Mommy issues: A woman sues Warner Bros., Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda because the film "Monster-in-Law" reminds the lady of her own grating mother-in-law. That vague sense of déjà vu you feel is related to Reason #3 above. Please don't sue us.
7. Trouble sharing + Mommy issues = Not enough toys: Marvel tries to push toy-maker MGA to pony up more cash for rights to licensed Spider-Man and Iron Man toys. MGA sues Marvel for $100 million, claiming a "campaign of harassment" tied to alleged interference in the Bratz doll litigation. Can't these guys just play in the sandbox like the rest of the kids?
8. Fame doesn't equal popularity: An 81-year-old woman sues Viacom after VH-1 airs her opinion that Paris Hilton is "ugly" and a "disgusting human being." Later, Hilton takes the stand in a lawsuit that claims she didn't do enough to promote the stinker film, "Pledge This." She calls the judge in the case, "My best judge forever," forgetting the person who gave her a SAG card. 
9. Time travel: Science fiction author Harlan Ellison files a lawsuit against CBS, Paramount, and the WGA, claiming he hasn't been paid ancillary revenue for a 1967 "Star Trek" episode called "City on the Edge of Forever." He issues a press release that says, "It ain't about the 'principle,' friend, its about the MONEY! Pay me!" Cuba Gooding Jr. calls and wants his exclamation point back.
10. Too many viewings of that Bernie Madoff CNBC documentary: Lil Wayne sues producers of "The Carter," a documentary about his life, for $50 million. The rapper claims that producers failed to live up to an agreement that gave him final approval over the film. The complaint compares the producer's "con" to Madoff's $56 billion Ponzi scheme. .
11. The emergence of Twitter: A clothing designer sues Courtney Love for defamation after the singer goes on a 140-character-at-a-time rant about being overbilled for custom clothing. In response, Love files a motion calling the plaintiff a drug-pushing, racist, homophobic, mean prostitute who doesn't understand free speech. Hollywood responds by contractually muzzling its celebrity talent from blabbing secrets on interactive social networks.
12. A rock and a hard place: In the filthiest lawsuit ever filed, a woman alleges that Chris Rock raped her, hired private investigator Anthony Pellicano to cover up a paternity test, made a confidential settlement, and then breached the settlement by calling the ordeal a scam on the Howard Stern radio show. The only case we've seen that features a saved Kleenex.
13. No shame: After Woody Allen sues American Apparel for $10 million for using an unauthorized still from "Annie Hall" in a billboard campaign, the clothing company demands that Allen fork over nude photos of his wife, Soon-Yi Previn. The retail chain argues that Woody's image isn't worth much after he cheated on his former girlfriend with their step-daughter. Later, American Apparel says Woody Allen is a role model. Well, which is it?
14. Over-caffeinated: A coffee-maker sues Warner Bros., DC Comics, and another coffee-maker for coming out with a branded line of "Watchmen" coffee that allegedly infringes the plaintiff's trademark. At the time, we asked whether the threat of an injunction would lead to lengthy negotiations, anxious geeks threatening to boycott caffeine, and the plaintiff getting a cut of the film's profits. We're told that geeks prefer Red Bull.
15. It's on tape: A woman sues Sacha Baron Cohen and NBC Universal claiming that she was pushed to the ground during a charity bingo game filmed for "Bruno." Universal says footage showed no evidence the woman was touched. The case is dropped. Later, the leader of a Palestinian group files a $110 million defamation suit against Cohen, NBCU, and David Letterman for being portrayed in "Bruno" as the leader of a terrorist group. It's easier to deal with litigation when the movie is good.
16. Promises: Orlando-based defense lawyer James Mason goes on "Dateline" and says he'd pay $1 million to anybody who could make the trip from an Orlando airport to an Atlanta hotel in less than a half hour. Mason was trying to prove his client couldn't have committed a crime. Unfortunately for him, an enterprising law student makes the trip in the time alotted and tries to collect on the $1 million. Mason refuses to hand over the money and is sued for breach of oral contract.
17. Oprah's favorite thing: A poet files a $1 trillion lawsuit against Oprah Winfrey claiming that her Internet-published work "Pieces of My Soul" copied his book "A Tome of Poetry." Oprah also battles diet pill makers and flight attendants in 2009. No wonder she later decides to retire her crown as the queen of talk shows.
18. Quacks: Nothing is stranger than seeing a lawsuit where a woman claims to have been held captive by "Dr. Phil" McGraw and forced to be in the same room with a naked man. OK, there's something stranger — a second woman who claims the same thing.
19. Too much partying: A man sues New Line Cinema for stealing his "Party Crashers Handbook" to create the 2005 hit film "Wedding Crashers." The lawsuit follows a lawsuit a couple years back where a different individual claimed credit for "Party Crashers Handbook."  The plaintiff must have seen "The Hangover" and felt left out.
20. Oscars don't come cheap: A California man claims he's a three-time "Oscar winner" in sound design and had the trophy to prove it. Turns out the man payed a jeweler to make him a fake statute. AMPAS files a copyright infringement lawsuit against the individual for ripping off its little gold man.
21. Wannabes: Disney files suit against an anonymous individual who was claiming to be company CFO Thomas Staggs. Disney says that the alleged ID thief registered a Tom Staggs gmail account and tricked fellow Disney employees and members of the media into believing that Staggs was admitting that Disney engaged in financially irresponsible business ventures. Disney later promotes Staggs to chairman of the parks and resorts division. So someone at the company claims.
22. Hubris: Ad agency Denizen sues a media agency for stealing an idea to integrate a brand of Vaseline into a Lifetime miniseries called "Maneater." In the complaint, Denizen claims to be the patented inventor of "program-integrated commercials," otherwise known as product placement on TV. Didn't they invent that on "Mad Men"?
23. Predictability: A technology company sues Summit claiming the film "Knowing" contains material that infringes its patent. The film is about a professor who discovers an encoded message that predicted with pinpoint accuracy the dates, death tolls and coordinates of every major disaster of the past 50 years. Let's repeat — the plaintiff said that the technology showcased in the fictional movie was infringing.
24. Too much information: A New York man sues producers and distributors of the Spike TV reality show "DEA" for inadequately blurring his image and surroundings in the episode. As a result, the man's colleagues all knew he was a snitch working with federal authorities. Being a drug dealer is bad. Being a snitch is worse.
25. Reasons 1 through 24 add up to Alienation: A video game player sues Activision Blizzard over "World of Warcraft" saying the virtual game has deceitful practices like forcing game players to walk when they could be running. The plaintiff calls Winona Ryder to testify as an expert in "alienation" because he's heard she's a fan of JD Salinger's "Catcher in the Rye." Speaking of the book, it too was the subject of litigation after a Swedish author made a sequel. Hollywood may be alienated, but it loves sequels.